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Growing Pains

by Christine Kammerer

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1.
On Aeloch Hill Text and music by Christine Kammerer One early morn' on Aeloch Hill Where winds run wild and time stands still There sat a girl in a moments peace From a sorrow that never heaved She watched the larks, envied their life Their careless play, their wonderous flight Her eyes grew blank, a tear fell down on Aeloch hill, another time around She carried pain, since that grim day Where all she’d known was torn away This little girl, with the tender gaze Was only eight when she lost her faith The years went by on goodwill and grace T’was door after door, and face after face And though they cared, and though they loved It wasn’t the same, it was never enough Then this winter morn’ on Aeloch Hill Where winds run wild, and time stands still This little girl stood all alone Asking the wind to take her home Her tear-filled eyes, looked to the sky And she felt peace, with a quiet sigh She wasn't scared or sad at all They say she smiled, as she let herself fall
2.
Play through the pain Text and music by Christine Kammerer I can’t seem to get my head around this I’m blinded by pain Can’t find my way through this darkness I worked so hard, how come nothing changed Just set me on fire, bleed my soul, bleed it all out, just let me go Cause I still feel like that little girl Who struggled to hide her tears Feeling it was her against the world I try to soothe her now, but I can’t calm those fears So I, I Play through the pain Feeling my breathing healing I wanna chase the demons away Though only reflection frees them You know, I’ve been fighting all my life My arms are getting tired My throat is sore from screaming out But the quietness it’s so filled with doubt So, I’m grey matter roaming the world of living How I envy your courage to feel Trembling and frightened we all open up Heart strangled, the struggle revealed I play through the pain Watch my reflection bleeding I wanna chase the demons away But right now it’s too dark to see them My chest tightens up With every word I dare to speak I am told when they’re uttered I would finally feel relief But it’s hard to speak up when you don’t really listen, You talk so damn much, but the actions they are missing I play through the pain Bringing them out, revealing Scorned memories of yesterday Bleeding their own dark meaning So I, I Play through the pain Feeling my breathing healing Knowing they’re not my fate I finally dare to free them
3.
Room for Me 05:23
Room for me Text and music by Christine Kammerer Behind thick walls and closed doors I sing I’m terrified of letting anybody in Cause I worry constantly about what you’d think Bracing myself trying to fit in My voice was strangled by fear I try to capture the truth of the moment but I’m never there Expectation is killing me So eager to fit but I just don’t agree With the reality you thrust on me And though there’s some aggression in the ways of my expression There’s beauty in my honesty No fairy tale princess in sight, no I’ll show you my might This song is a reflection of years of contemplation, That will lead me to sanity, cause I am hurting myself trying to be what I’m not Forcing this fight to be easy and soft When it’s anything but Too long I’ve lived on the opinions of others But I barely exist in this lie Can’t breathe in this life, no I am barely alive I understand your confusion it was a beautiful illusion That I kept alive so long But lying my life a way, is pushing my insanity And I’m rotting from the inside out All my life I’ve lived in this box, Of “never good enough” Reducing myself to a nod and a smile, and still not feeling worth your while I’m still not feeling worth your while, so I am hurting myself trying to be what I’m not Forcing this fight to be easy and soft When it’s anything but Too long I’ve lived on the opinions of others But I barely exist in this lie No, I can’t breathe in this life, no I am barely alive So, as I break the dream with a primal scream You’re forced to face the truth My voice is an echo, unveiling the actual Tales of a broken youth I’m not daisies and tassels, I’m complex and frazzled Chaotic and a bit insane But each time I utter my true voice and colours Salvation is in my range Cause you know, I am hurting myself trying to be what I’m not Forcing this fight to be easy and soft When it’s anything but Too long I’ve lived on the opinions of others But I barely exist in this lie So, I won´t live like this anymore, Now I am breaking down the door Making room for me
4.
Why I Cry 05:31
Why I cry Text and music by Christine Kammerer Now I’ve been out to find what I think I need Not knowing what it may be Where am I going, where do I belong Just try to find my way song by song I tried to keep my dream in a tight embrace But I know it’s beyond control, it’s not a race But I get a sinking feeling, just going with the flow You know it’s hard making room, letting go When the lights are shining up We only hear what’s sung or said And all the long nights there we tend to forget That’s when I, I cry by myself cause I’m lonely But only when I’m on my own I cry cause I don’t think that I know me, And I just wanna feel at home Wanna find that place inside where I belong There’s a yearning inside for release When I sleep it haunts the fabric of my dreams But I’m on a soul-shocking, fast-track ignoring the inner plea Of that little girl who begs “can I be me” When the lights are shining up I’m afraid you’ll say I’m in the wrong when I do it my way That’s why I, I cry by myself cause I’m lonely I’m only me when I’m alone I cry cause I don’t let you see me No, I gotta get out of the undertow, And find that place inside where I belong Afraid I’m not enough being me But it’s only inside voices it’s not real I see it now, Common darkness, common pain But I choose to rise in flames Now, darkness always bore the light And in a flash, I feel How my voice is freed, and I become real No longer cry by myself, I’m done a’drifting I, I found where I belong In solemn notes of loneliness I found my voice is my home, No longer cry by myself, I’m done a’drifting I, I found where I belong In solemn notes of loneliness I found my voice is my home, Where it’s aflame I will live, ever grow
5.
I will not bow Text and music by Christine Kammerer First there was a thought, Then the thought grew up Into an idea I filled with love Infatuated, held it to the sun I couldn’t really grasp What I had done Nudged it out Like a baby bird on wing Praying to God it would fly Or would sing But it crashed to the ground I was sad, felt small, Saying to myself You were never good At anything at all But it feels like I’m turning Turning south, I know there’s a yearning for something to get out Yes, there is a tune in the corner of my mouth Eager to grow, eager to get out But, I will not bow I will not break I tell you, I’ve learned From all my mistakes I will not yield, I will not stop I’ll be sure to tell you, When I’ve had enough I will not bow Then one day a new thought Sparked in me But I dared not to give it life Or set it free Wait, fear was my story For way too long That’s actually why, I decided on writing this song Cause, I will not bow I will not break I tell you, I’ve learned From all my mistakes I will not yield, I will not stop I’ll be sure to tell you, When I’ve had enough For now, I take flight in tune Caress my soul Search hard for truths I can share, and unfold I don’t want “if only’s”, “what if’s” or “it might have been” When I grow old I wanna know that I’ve been livin’ So, I take flight in tune Caress my soul Search hard for truths I can share, and unfold I don’t want “if only’s”, “what if’s” or “it might have been” When I grow old I wanna know that I’ve been livin’ So I will not bow I will not break I tell you, I’ve learned From all my mistakes I will not yield, I will not stop I’ll be sure to tell you, when I’ve had enough I will not bow, no This I my vow I will not be lead on By my crippling self-doubt Just keep on smiling Keep on believing I’m worthy of the love That I am receiving So, I will not bow

credits

released May 8, 2020

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Christine Kammerer Denmark

My soundscape is diverse, coloured by many genres: Celtic/Nordic, jazz, rock, classic singer/songwriter with a dash of musical theatre. I go where the story of the song takes me.

I am a musical globetrotter, and adventurer. My debut EP is an example of this as it features musicians from New York, Los Angeles, Denmark and Scotland.

I am also lead singer, composer and lyre player in Gjaldulei.
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